Gentlemen, I feel compelled to share my latest inflight emergency. Why? For no reason other than to make a few of you laugh. Is there a lesson to be learnt? Not really, but maybe? Read on.
Over the years I?ve had my share of inflight emergencies ie. Jammed controls, near misses, stuck on top of clouds while low on fuel etc?.. but tonights emergency is in a category all it?s own!
It?s October here in Southern Alberta, the trees are changing color and the days are getting shorter. I had about two hours to kill before picking the kids up from their activities so my plan was to go for a quick buzz, check out the lovely scenery at the base of the mountains and get in my flying fix.
The RV was already gassed up, preflight done, winds were calm and the field was deserted. The sun was setting and it was setting up to be a lovely evening in the skies. If the hot air balloons are out then you know the air is sweet!
I blasted off runway 16 and enjoyed the sights as the sun was getting low on the horizon. Prior to takeoff I felt my guts churning a bit but thought nothing of it. I felt fine and it was only going to be a quick 45 minute flight anyways.
10 minutes in I decided to do some touch and goes at a nearby strip. Enroute I felt my guts churning again but again dismissed the thought as I figured all would be ok.
The first touch and go was fine but upon climbing out of the field the gastrointestinal issue started to intensify. Suddenly there was no putting this issue off!
I turned on crosswind and my immediate thought was to finish the circuit, land and bust a move to the bathroom in the FBO. As I turned from downwind to base I remembered something but wasn?t sure. ?Does this airport have an FBO with an after hours entry code on the door?? Many airports do but I did my flight training out of this airport and don?t remember ever seeing one.
I was still optimistic that I could ?hold it? long enough, land and check out the scene but I was wrong!
On final it became very apparent that a pilot, at least this one, can?t squeeze his sphincter together, operate rudder pedals and get toes on the brakes. Nigh unto the impossible. If I landed this wasn?t going to end well!! I wasn?t fully convinced that I could maintain directional control, especially with a taildragger.
On short final I decided to abort the landing and fly as fast as I could back to home base.
I climbed out again, left all the knobs in and started to barrel home. At 173 knots it was still going to take 9 minutes. NO WAY was I going to make it! NO WAY!! Again I thought about maintaining control when I landed. I weighed my options?.Wreck my plane or wreck my pants and my pride and my dignity!
Years ago, when I was younger and much better looking, I was on a motorcycle trip in the Canadian Rockies with my brothers. We were stuck in some serious rain and freezing. I decided to pee myself in an attempt to warm myself up. It worked momentarily but in short order I was freezing again. That was probably 20 years ago and was the last time, I can recall, that I let loose in my pants?.so to speak. 20 years is a long time?what the heck?time to start a new streak!
I cringed at the thought but I had NO CHOICE! I had to let loose that demon inside. It was every bit as foul and nasty as you are imagining. The pungent odor filled the cockpit. I opened the vents. I was ever so thankful I didn?t have a passenger.
How graphic do you want me to get? Suffice to say, I braced my feet against the rudder pedals and against the back rest in a fashion that I was able to easy my hind quarters off the seat. You RV pilots know exactly what I?m talking about.
The bowel let down kept coming. Gross and disgusting only scratch the surface of what I was dealing with. I do remember thinking that I?m awfully thankful for Oregon Aero LEATHER seats!
My next thought was kind of a prayer. It went like this. ?Dear Lord, please let there be NO ONE at the field?, I don?t know how I?d ever escape the invariable hanger flying.
9 minutes seemed like an eternity and I wasn?t going to prolong this agony. I assumed the winds were as light as when I took off and decided to land straight in, albeit downwind. It?s my home field and the comfort level is high.
I wouldn?t call it a greaser but a greaser considering I was sitting on a 3 inch turd!
I taxied to the hanger and thankfully there were no other diehard flyers out.
I extricated myself out of the plane to survey the damage. The seat was ok and it appeared, at least at first glance, that my jeans contained most, if not all of the toxins.
Now what??
Thankfully I had a pair of coveralls in my hanger otherwise I would have been driving home naked. I shimmied over to hanger, locked myself inside and stripped down. I?ll spare you the details but 6 shop towels later, a bucket of dirty water from my last airplane washing and a pair of gloves are what it took to clean up?.somewhat. The clothes are absolute garbage as I ain?t touching them things!
So is there a lesson to be learned? Yea, if you?re lactose intolerant?..don?t eat Mexican and finish your kids Kraft dinner before you go flying
Over the years I?ve had my share of inflight emergencies ie. Jammed controls, near misses, stuck on top of clouds while low on fuel etc?.. but tonights emergency is in a category all it?s own!
It?s October here in Southern Alberta, the trees are changing color and the days are getting shorter. I had about two hours to kill before picking the kids up from their activities so my plan was to go for a quick buzz, check out the lovely scenery at the base of the mountains and get in my flying fix.
The RV was already gassed up, preflight done, winds were calm and the field was deserted. The sun was setting and it was setting up to be a lovely evening in the skies. If the hot air balloons are out then you know the air is sweet!
I blasted off runway 16 and enjoyed the sights as the sun was getting low on the horizon. Prior to takeoff I felt my guts churning a bit but thought nothing of it. I felt fine and it was only going to be a quick 45 minute flight anyways.
10 minutes in I decided to do some touch and goes at a nearby strip. Enroute I felt my guts churning again but again dismissed the thought as I figured all would be ok.
The first touch and go was fine but upon climbing out of the field the gastrointestinal issue started to intensify. Suddenly there was no putting this issue off!
I turned on crosswind and my immediate thought was to finish the circuit, land and bust a move to the bathroom in the FBO. As I turned from downwind to base I remembered something but wasn?t sure. ?Does this airport have an FBO with an after hours entry code on the door?? Many airports do but I did my flight training out of this airport and don?t remember ever seeing one.
I was still optimistic that I could ?hold it? long enough, land and check out the scene but I was wrong!
On final it became very apparent that a pilot, at least this one, can?t squeeze his sphincter together, operate rudder pedals and get toes on the brakes. Nigh unto the impossible. If I landed this wasn?t going to end well!! I wasn?t fully convinced that I could maintain directional control, especially with a taildragger.
On short final I decided to abort the landing and fly as fast as I could back to home base.
I climbed out again, left all the knobs in and started to barrel home. At 173 knots it was still going to take 9 minutes. NO WAY was I going to make it! NO WAY!! Again I thought about maintaining control when I landed. I weighed my options?.Wreck my plane or wreck my pants and my pride and my dignity!
Years ago, when I was younger and much better looking, I was on a motorcycle trip in the Canadian Rockies with my brothers. We were stuck in some serious rain and freezing. I decided to pee myself in an attempt to warm myself up. It worked momentarily but in short order I was freezing again. That was probably 20 years ago and was the last time, I can recall, that I let loose in my pants?.so to speak. 20 years is a long time?what the heck?time to start a new streak!
I cringed at the thought but I had NO CHOICE! I had to let loose that demon inside. It was every bit as foul and nasty as you are imagining. The pungent odor filled the cockpit. I opened the vents. I was ever so thankful I didn?t have a passenger.
How graphic do you want me to get? Suffice to say, I braced my feet against the rudder pedals and against the back rest in a fashion that I was able to easy my hind quarters off the seat. You RV pilots know exactly what I?m talking about.
The bowel let down kept coming. Gross and disgusting only scratch the surface of what I was dealing with. I do remember thinking that I?m awfully thankful for Oregon Aero LEATHER seats!
My next thought was kind of a prayer. It went like this. ?Dear Lord, please let there be NO ONE at the field?, I don?t know how I?d ever escape the invariable hanger flying.
9 minutes seemed like an eternity and I wasn?t going to prolong this agony. I assumed the winds were as light as when I took off and decided to land straight in, albeit downwind. It?s my home field and the comfort level is high.
I wouldn?t call it a greaser but a greaser considering I was sitting on a 3 inch turd!
I taxied to the hanger and thankfully there were no other diehard flyers out.
I extricated myself out of the plane to survey the damage. The seat was ok and it appeared, at least at first glance, that my jeans contained most, if not all of the toxins.
Now what??
Thankfully I had a pair of coveralls in my hanger otherwise I would have been driving home naked. I shimmied over to hanger, locked myself inside and stripped down. I?ll spare you the details but 6 shop towels later, a bucket of dirty water from my last airplane washing and a pair of gloves are what it took to clean up?.somewhat. The clothes are absolute garbage as I ain?t touching them things!
So is there a lesson to be learned? Yea, if you?re lactose intolerant?..don?t eat Mexican and finish your kids Kraft dinner before you go flying