My wife (married 13 years as of October) is generally in category 2. I don’t think she was exactly thrilled about me starting my build when I did—I’d told her, on our very first date, that I’d been helping my dad build an airplane and I’d be building one someday, too; I just don’t think she expected me to start until we were closer to 40 or something—but she was warned
.
The past few years we’ve had a few big changes—adopting a baby, her surgeries and recovery—and all of that really changed the amount of working time I had. Now, balancing all of that with build time seems to be the biggest challenge. It’s helped that our son is now old enough that he can come out and hang around in the shop a bit (even if all he’s doing is pounding nails into 2x4 scraps or cutting paper up into confetti) and my wife is not only fully recovered from her surgeries and complications, but she’s now in grad school working towards her lifelong dream of going into ministry. It’s her “big-ticket” item to balance the airplane, both in time and money, so it seems a little more fair now
It did take a couple of hard conversations and a lot of adjustment to get there, though. It turns out that some of my favorite, preferred times to go work were the times she most wanted to be able to talk to me and have adult-level conversation; I found other times to work. She wants to go in to ministry, a job she would basically do for free, and views the work as the point in itself. I work in aviation and actually mostly enjoy my job (as much as you can enjoy a job, anyway), so she’s always figured it was mostly the same for me and therefore going to work counted on mostly the same level as building and flying. As it turn out, to me
it’s just a job; that I work in this field is a happy coincidence that makes it more bearable and perhaps a little better at my job, but it’s still just a job. I work so I can support my family and so we can afford to do the things we want to do, like build an airplane or go to grad school. Our working styles are different—she likes to work in short 20-30 minute bursts and change tasks often; I’d prefer to work in one long contiguous session. Much friction was generated over school and airplane work until we both understood why we were working that way and how best to accommodate that.
Financially it hasn’t been as much of a challenge; first up, I promised her I would pay cash and not go into debt for the project. Our family is provided-for, she’s going to grad school, we’re living within our means. She was a little shocked at the recent expenditures (I’m in the “high cash outflow” stage now, between avionics and engine), but I showed her that the long-term average operating costs would actually be lower than the current “saving/spending to get it done” phase and I think that eased her concern.
That said, she’s not entirely indifferent to the project. She’s been my primary assistant when I’ve needed a second person to rivet and she has enough technical understanding that I can run things past her (like avionics choices) for an outside opinion. But mainly, she’s more interested in the finished product. One other condition for the build was that I use it “to do good things” when I’m done, and it’s my intent to hook up with groups like Operation Airdrop and PnP. Traveling is something she’s really looking forward to; for years now we’ve been planning a weeks-long trip to the west coast and one of these days we’ll actually do it. And most interestingly, she’s expressed a desire for getting some instruction. She’ll never qualify for a medical certificate, but she does want to take at least some “pinch hitter” instruction and perhaps a little more beyond that, so we can share the load on trips.
Basically, I think the biggest thing (and I think it applies to everything in a marriage) is a willingness and ability to
communicate. And that means actually
listening, not just talking.
And that communication might mean a willingness to learn about, participate in, and/or at least become somewhat conversant in, your spouse’s interests. Don’t expect your spouse to support (much less participate) if you’re dismissive or blow off their interests with “yeah, whatever honey”.
From another perspective (if we consider “family” instead of just “marriage”, for whatever a kid’s perspective is worth on the subject), Mom is basically in category #2 as well. She helped rivet long ago, helps with maintenance sometimes, and sometimes goes on trips, but mostly the airplane (and the motorcycle, and the boat) are her way of getting Dad out of the house for a while, especially now that he’s retired. The social aspect is what’s really brought her in—there’s a
very active RV community at their airport, and my parents have made several close friends among the group.
During the build—and with the caveat that I was both the oldest of my siblings, and by far the most interested in the project—I never felt that Dad was neglecting us. Yeah, the tedious stuff like endless deburring is a lot harder to bear when you’re 15 (though being paid to do it while Dad was on a trip took a lot of the sting out), but I mostly enjoyed working on it and it sure paid dividends later, when I got a co-op job in college. But as I recall, Dad still always found time to take care of projects around the house, go on trips with Mom or with all of us together.
For people with wives in #2 category. Since you don't both share the same hobby... do you spend the same money on her hobbies as you do on flying?
Money may be a factor for some... but time might be just as big an issue (or bigger) than the money aspect. Maybe time
with you is more important to your spouse than the money spent on hobbies—at least, that’s the case in our relationship. Everyone’s relationship will be different.