For my father, and for all who have lost someone

One year ago this month I held my father's hand as he took final breath.

I volunteer at a local hospice now, and it is probably the most rewarding work I have ever done in my life. I work mostly as an 11th hour volunteer, but I wanted to share a story of something I realized the other day while working the front desk at the Hospice House.

I have only been a member at VAF for a few months, but I always read all of the posts here from those of you that have lost someone important to you. Perhaps it is my experience around families during this time, or the pain I have felt from all the the family and friends I have personally lost, but I feel as if I can read the pain and sadness from many of you in how you post your loss.

Death has absolutely no respect for families, or schedules, or just our sense of "the way things ought to be" whatsoever. Death comes when it pleases, and leaves families and friends in disarray, grieving and lost. I see their faces, and some look like hurricane victims to me, dazed and helpless.

The other day I was working the front desk, and for no reason I know a couple came up to me with that dazed look on their faces, and said "Well, our friend just passed, so I guess we won't be coming back anymore."

I offered them my condolences on their loss and wished them well, and as they walked out the door and down the long walkway to the parking lot, I noticed they grew closer together, and then put their arms around each other, holding on and hugging one another as they left my view.

I realized at that moment, that's really all we can do when Death visits us. We cannot petition the court or file an appeal, there are no "do-overs. Words are left unsaid, tasks are left undone. But we can do one thing - we can hold on to each other. We can be there for each other. Another thought came to me - that is why we are here, the actual Meaning of Life, if you will. It's so simple and so obvious. Sure, we have to eat to live, so we work, and fall in love, and sometimes marry and raise children, and maybe even build an airplane - but with all of that, the most vital thing we can ever do as human beings is - just be there for each other.

As an added thought, I will say that no one will ever be able to convince me that the love a man or woman feels for their spouse, or parent or child, and the grief they feel upon their loss, are just the products of electrochemical processes of a meat machine. I am absolutely certain there is far more to this life than what we can see or touch.

So to all of you who have lost someone you love dearly, and to those of you who will in the future (for the great irony is that, the longer you live, the more you will suffer loss), I wish you to know that a total stranger reads your words, and though I may not be near you, or know you, you are in my thoughts for a while, and you have all the compassion I have to give.

Be well and God bless you.

Thank you Damon

We are all individuals, we come in alone and go out alone and we handle our grief individually. I thank you for you thoughts and your life's action - I could never do that. You are a rare kind of "kind" person and I hope you continue to find satisfaction in sharing that kindness with those in need.

Bob Axsom

I was there for my Dad to. I hated to see him go but, was honored to be there with him when he did. We all have to go some day and the best quote I heard on the subject was " When you're born, you should be crying while everyone else is smiling. When you die, you should be smiling while everyone else is crying." Sounds fair to me.

Growing up is hard to do.

My mom is almost 80 now, and my dad is already there. When they and I were younger we would invite each other to do various things, trips, meals, etc. Many times it did not work out because enough of "us" were too busy.

I am so fortunate to have that time, but now the answer when they ask is almost always yes. I understand that all of us has only so much time. Spend it with the ones you love, or even be more selfless like the Damon the starter of this thread and share it because it is the truest compassion that can be shewn.

Take no day for granted, reach for every worthwile opportunity.

Honor

You get my respect for honoring your Dad as you have. Way to be a great person!

Thanks Damon

Like you I lost my father a few years ago. Sadly another victim of cancer. It was one of the hardest things in my life. I cannot say enough or give enough thanks to the people who worked with the hospice and helped keep him comfortable in his time of need. It takes very special people to be able to do that. I dont think I could as it would be to hard emotionally, but I am greatful that people like yourself are out there.
Ryan

Thanks

I thank you for your appreciation, to me it is interesting because it does not seem all that difficult to do what I am doing, or that I am all that special. I would never have thought I could do it either, or thought about it at all, if I had not done it for my father. After that, I realized that No one should ever die alone, the thought of that just breaks my heart, and since I knew I was capable of being with someone, I felt it was important for me to do it.

But the thing is, I don't mean to say that being there for others is just doing what I am doing. I mean it for any and all situations when a loved one or friend is in distress. We have all "been there" for them. That's why we are here.

I'm just as much a type "A" pilot as a lot of you here, I was very competitive in aerobatics back in the nineties, and flew professionally at a commuter airline. I've dealt with many in-flight situations and even a couple of emergencies with decisiveness and action.

So this quote that was in my 11th hour training really hit home:

"Let us not underestimate how hard it is to listen and to be compassionate. Compassion is hard because it requires the inner disposition to go with others to the place where they are weak, vulnerable, lonely and broken. However, this is not our spontaneous response to suffering. What we desire most is to do away with suffering by fleeing from it or finding a quick cure for it. As busy, active, relevant people we want to earn our bread by making a real contribution. This means first doing something to show that our presence makes a difference. And so we ignore our greatest gift, which is our ability to be there, to listen and to enter into solidarity with those who suffer." - Henri Nouwen

N355DW said:

Death has absolutely no respect for families, or schedules, or just our sense of "the way things ought to be" whatsoever. Death comes when it pleases, and leaves families and friends in disarray, grieving and lost. I see their faces, and some look like hurricane victims to me, dazed and helpless.

..snip..


As an added thought, I will say that no one will ever be able to convince me that the love a man or woman feels for their spouse, or parent or child, and the grief they feel upon their loss, are just the products of electrochemical processes of a meat machine. I am absolutely certain there is far more to this life than what we can see or touch.

...snip...

Be well and God bless you.

Click to expand...

I lost my Mother in Law (who was THE most wonderful woman) 6 years ago next month. As we spent our last hours with her, it was so ironic that she was totally prepared for the inevitable, and it was the rest of us that were trying to sort out all the emotions of her impending departure.
She passed just months shy of their Golden Anniversary, and they had been inseparable for over 50 years. It was truly amazing to me that two people could spend so many decades, go through so many of life's challenges and still remain absolutely connected (unless it was Gin Rummy or Ping Pong, then it was a battle to the death)!
You are correct that there is so much more than a biomechanical connection, as her spirit, laughter, and mannerisms live on in all of us.

You have to have been there

jetjok said:

I lost my Mother in Law (who was THE most wonderful woman) 6 years ago next month. As we spent our last hours with her, it was so ironic that she was totally prepared for the inevitable, and it was the rest of us that were trying to sort out all the emotions of her impending departure.
She passed just months shy of their Golden Anniversary, and they had been inseparable for over 50 years. It was truly amazing to me that two people could spend so many decades, go through so many of life's challenges and still remain absolutely connected (unless it was Gin Rummy or Ping Pong, then it was a battle to the death)!
You are correct that there is so much more than a biomechanical connection, as her spirit, laughter, and mannerisms live on in all of us.

Click to expand...

If you are a part of a perfect team, time is nothing more than opportunity and it is gone in the blink of an eye.

Bob Axsom

My father passed due to cancer what seems like ages ago, or only yesterday. I thought it a terrible way to go, until mother came down with Alzhimers, dying little at a time. Both passed alone, something I always regret. I know why dad did--he didn't want to be a bother. With mom, it was really unexpected, six hours before I was to leave for Oshkosh, and she had seemed quite good a couple hours before, considering.

I consider what you are doing as important as anything man can do. In both cases, there were those who eased my pain, understood my loss, and comforted me when my parents pain was over. Being there is the closest thing to being an angel that there is. Bless you.

Bob