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Center: Alaska 1783 please change heading to 135 for noise abaitment.
alaska: Center, alaska 1783 we are at 35,000 feet how much noise can we make?
Center: Alaska 1783 you ever hear what a 727 sounds like when it hits a 747!!

hehe..
 
I think this is my favorite one. Well, perhaps a tie with " I got the Fokker in sight!"

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. It was dark and I didn't stop."
 
Traffic

Heard this between Cincy and Dayton:

ATC: cessna $%@%, you have traffic at your 9 o'clock....10 o'clock.....11 o'clock........12 o'clock..........traffic no longer a factor.......flight of 3 F-16's.

Cessna: COOL:)
 
A couple of my favorites...

ATC: Cessna 1234 What are your intentions?
Cessna: To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.
ATC: Cessna 1234 I meant in the next five minutes not years.

----------------------
"American 303 heavy, DFW tower. Make 360 for sequencing."
"DFW, American 303 heavy. Do you know how much it costs the airline for me to 360 this thing? About $2600!"
"American 303 heavy, DFW. Make one of those $2600 turns for sequencing, then report outer marker."

----------------------
A student pilot became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff".


:D
 
I've been on this flight ... more than once!

From the pilot during his welcome message:
"We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight..."
 
F-16 pilot: tower needing to return to the field with engine trouble
Tower: follow a B-52 with an engine out
F-16: Ooooooooooo the dreaded 7 engine approach.
 
ATC humor

ATC: @#$ 1234, what is your position?
Capt: In the left seat. (Snickers)
ATC: @#$ 1234, say "altitude".
Capt: "altitude" (more snickers)
ATC: @#$ 1234 say, CANCEL IFR
Capt: Uhh, we're 20 south of ATL at FL350.
ATC: Roger Captain
 
I was just transitioning to the CT and hadn't flowin in two weeks. Went to do some touch and gos at ADS. Came in for the first one too fast. Bounced. Recovered and bounced again. Recovered again and bounced again. Went around.

"Two charlie tango, did you get all your touch and gos in on that pass?"

"Uh, maybe one more, please"
 
Last time I came into ADS they frowned on touch and go - this was about a year ago, has that changed?
 
Probably not

At least after Doug providing them the entertainment they will probably welcome a few more...:)

Noticed how you can guarantee to scre the landing when you have an audience.

Frank
 
ADS Touch and GOs

airguy said:
Last time I came into ADS they frowned on touch and go - this was about a year ago, has that changed?
Click to expand...

They don?t mind if you give them a call ahead of time and it is not busy.
 
Funniest things I've ever personally heard on the radio:

Me: Champ 15E, ready to go, 25R, left downwind departure
LVK TWR: 15E cleared on 25R

(Stiff headwind and new 85 HP engine gets the Champ off the ground pronto)

LVK TWR: Champ 15E, you didn't get your money's worth out of that runway, your next takeoff is free.

-----------------
And this heard on the radio during an actual engine-out on one of my first long-cross country's with my CFI. We declared an emergency and were being steered toward Mc Clellen AFB.

MCC TWR: Cessna 37K cleared to land any runway any direction
MY CFI: 37K, copy that, understood
(slowly gliding toward runway with prop windmilling)
MCC TWR: Cessna 37K be advised the approach end of the runway is under construction, could you land long?
Me and my CFI: {Blank looks}
My CFI: McClellan.... ah... okay.

We ended up landing on the taxiway which was still much larger than my home airport.

------------------------------

Landing at Nut Tree airport in my Champ. Very stiff crosswind and I was low time. Came in at a pretty good crab and landed almost in that same crab, the airplane bounced a couple of times, tailwheel bouncing first 6 feet this way, then coming back down 6 feet that way, almost ground looped. You get the picture. BUT I only rolled about 200 feet forward on the runway. A King Air was waiting to take off and I heard over the radio: "Now THAT was a short field landing!"

-------------------------------

This one wasn't on the radio but it was funny anyway. I made my first landing up at Columbia (O22) in my Champ and lost it, the plane almost ground looped , I barely held on and went through the dirt between runway and taxiway, almost took out the density altitude display, carreened into the transient tiedown area, hit the brakes (finally) and swing the tail around to stop *almost* perfectly right into a tie down spot. I hopped out and casually tied the plane down like I knew what I was doing. I walked into the lobby and found an old man with a dog just laughing his head off. I gave him an inquisitive look and he said "If you wanted to land in the dirt why didn't you just use the dirt runway?"

(O22 has a grass runway that used to be mostly dirt once upon a time)
 
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Eng Out Circuit

"Sydney Twr, TJM, we've lost and engine. Would like to turn left and land back on 07."
"Roger TJM, cleared for left down wind. Do you require the fire services."
"TJM, Negative............ Ah! Could you ask them to put the volley ball down."

Pete.
 
ouch

...[blocked transmission squeal noises]
N#####: "sorry tower, I stepped on you."
Tower: "Thats OK, I've been getting stepped on for 20 years."
Anonymous pilot: "Is that in controlling or marriage?"
 
The other day I was approaching into my home airport about 35 nm behind a C172.

FSS: C172 C-xxxx report leaving the zone to the west.
C172: Roger, we can do that. We have a new glass cockpit.
FSS: C172, roger, thanks.
RV: FSS, RV7A, C-xxxx, 35 nm to the east. Inbound for full stop. Request advisory and be advised we have no glass cockpit.
FSS: RV7A, C-xxxx, roger, we're showing you 36 nm to the east. Report entering the zone.
C172: FSS C172 is cleared to the west. Sorry about the glass cockpit comment.
FSS: C172 roger. The RV is now at your 6 o'clock, 2 miles, have a good day.

Steve
RV7A
 
airguy said:
Last time I came into ADS they frowned on touch and go - this was about a year ago, has that changed?
Click to expand...
It depends on how busy they are and how much you work with them. ADS can be a busy place with a lot of different types and speeds of traffic. Offer to extend downwinds and make early crosswind turns and they'll be happier.

It may help to tell them your normal final speed and keep up / down as necessary. We're 60 kt on final so I offer to keep speed up when I hear that they have approaching jet traffic. We can also slow up a lot to allow other traffic to before we land.

I suppose that being based there helps as well.
 
Heavy landing

After a VERY heavy landing in a B-767, Flight Attendant:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, be careful when opening the overhead lockers as your baggage WILL have moved during the flight.

On behalf of our nameless crew we thank you for flying with us.

You will find your baggage on the ground floor carousel, and a chiropractor on the first floor"

Ron
-10 finishing
 
Another famous story

"Los Angeles Center, request flight level 600."

Center: "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?"

Air Force SR-71 pilot: "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it."

Center: "Ah, roger. Cleared as requested."
 
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Approaching Reykjavik

Flight of F-16's inbound to Reykjavik: "Reykjavik approach, Viper 4 level twelve thousand feet."

Appr: "Roger Viper 4, descend to and maintain three thousand feet, Reykjavik altimeter one zero one one."

Viper 4: "Ahh... approach, uhh can we have that in inches?"

Appr: "Roger Viper 4, descend to and maintain thirtysix thousand inches, Reykjavik altimeter one zero one one."
 
Here are a few:

Cessna 152: Flight level three thousand seven hundred
ATC: Roger, contact Houston Space Center

Tower: Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now, report heading
Pilot: Wilco 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...

My Favorite:

Aircraft: Radar, we are a flight of two A-10s, currently overhead and, er, we've forgotten our callsign again!
Radar: No problem, we'll allocate temporary ones, adopt callsign Stupid One and Stupid Two
 
Cessna: Bay Approach, Cessna 12345 over South County Airport at four thousand feet, request permission to land at San Jose.

Bay Approach: Cessna 12345, Squawk 4567, and do you have Hotel?

Cessna: Negative, we're going to stay with my sister-in-law.

American 123: Does your sister-in-law have any extra rooms?
 
Hard landing

An airliner lands VERY hard, bounces hard twice and finally stays on the ground. Not one word from the cockpit....
Finally, the chief stewardess taking the microphone and announces:

Ladies and Gentlemen: Welcome to ......, please stay in your seats while Captain Kenguroo bounces us to the terminal building....
 
Excuse me!

Female ATC; "United 167, Descend FL210"
United: "Roger United 167, Descend FL210..... Was that when ready?"
ATC: "Negative United 167, if it was when ready I would have said so. Now get your 'back-side' out of FL330."
United' "United 167, left FL330 for FL210....... Excuse me m'am, were we once married?"
 
I can't stand arrogance and love hearing them shot down:

Tower: Piper N1234 traffic your one o'clock, 2,500 ft, southbound. Do you have the traffic in sight?

Piper N1234: Roger, we have them on the TCAS.

Unknown: In their best Rosanna Rosannadana voice, " Well, isn't that special". :)
 
Okay i might not have this one totally memorized cause it was one of my very first flying lessons at SMO.

Controller: Biz Jet slow to 180 knots
Biz Jet:.... (no response)
Controller: BIZ JET SLOW TO 180 KNOTS
Biz Jet: We come in this fast all the time at O'hare.
Contoller: Right turn turn, 180 degress. Your cleared direct to O'hare.

and here is one more at KSBA

Controller: give me a right 360 for spacing.
Biz Jet: That just cost us 1500 dollars.
Controller: I'll take 3000 dollars worth.
 
Best one I heard with my own two ears was between a female tower controller and a male corporate pilot on a busy Saturday afternoon a few years ago...




Rochester TWR: "Citation ****, cleared for takeoff RWY **, expedite."

Citation ****: "Honey, this is a bizjet, we can't just throw the power on like some prop job."

Rochester TWR: "Citation ****, you have traffic at your 6 o'clock on final, expedite takeoff."

Citation ****: "Rowwrr" (you know, that noise an angry cat makes...)

Rochester TWR: "Citation ****, contact Departue, and call the FSDO at ***-***-**** upon arrival at Charlotte, good DAY!"




There was about 30 seconds of absolute silence on the Tower freq after this exchange. When people started talking again, it was the most professional-sounding series of radio calls I've ever heard. I don't imagine that pilot's conversation with the FSDO was very pleasant...
 
Funny one I heard once was at Ellington Field about 15 yrs ago. It was a busy afternoon with several flights of mil jets and several GA planes in the area. After calling ready to go, a departing C-172 pilot behind me was told to hold short. In a short amount of time, he called back a couple of times obviously irritated. After about the third call the tower told him something like "Cessna 123, if you'll look to the left you'll see a flight of F-4's on short final. I suggest you continue to hold, but you want you can go ahead and take off." He was still holding short as I left the airspace. And I was in a C-172.

Another wasn't so entertaining. Heard F-16 pilots calling some boneheaded GA pilots who had stumbled into P-49 when it was active. "Cessna at x-thousand feet, heading xxx you have violated prohibited airspace. Turn east immediately or you may be fired upon."
 
I heard this while driving an airport crash truck one day. The controller who I know well was obviously getting tired of explaining the presence of an Air France Concord that was at the airport for three days. When the noisey bird departed he made the announcement on ground freq. "there now everybody the Concord has left, now the whole airport can return to normal" . Made me laugh.

Another incident. While checking our fire trucks one morning one of the guys grabbed what he thought was the PA mike and proceded to make all of the siren noises . He went through the whole siren repertoire at length. when he was done a rather unimpressed sounding controller came on the radio and said "That all seems to check out ...How are the lights working?"


RV 8 fuselage
 
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So we're on the ground at Osaka, Japan (KIX), just about to call clearance delivery for our clearance to Anchorage. Just before keying the mike...."Well folks, we'd like to welcome you aboard Air New Zealand XXXX"... he goes on and on about the route of flight, expected weather, how they've got a great group of flight attendants aboard to serve you, etc. We can just about visualize every other crew on the frequency grabbing their mikes to comment. Finally the Captain stops talking... and then it starts. "Hey mate, thanks for the tour", "If those F/As are so great, send them over here", etc.
Long silence. Finally, we hear..."This is the first officer speaking, the captain's just now crawling out from under his seat". Now, the best part, the local controller, having already heard all this, announces "Station calling, be advised, this is Kansai Ground". ......."Uh, no kidding, I think he's got that fugured out about now".


Doug Seward
Seattle area
RV_4 wings
 
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