A true inflight emergency - a tale of true horror!

[Jim Wright]

Maybe I shouldn't post this. It wasn't funny at the time. But here goes.

A number of years ago as PIC in a B-727after landing at our destination we were looking forward to our sixteen hour lay over. Our favorite dinner place was a well known Mexican restaurant that we normally frequented. Our crew had flown together on numerous occasions so we were well acquainted. The nachos and margaritas were especially tasty that night, especially the little green chilies.
The following day we were scheduled for a non stop flight back to our home base in Seattle. It was a full flight and we had encountered numerous areas of turbulence necessitating frequent use of the seat belt sign. I began to feel uneasy about 20 minutes from top of descent and headed for the forward lavatory. To my dismay there was a line of about five passengers ahead of me. The line at the aft lavatory was even longer. 10 minutes later I checked again to no avail. Thinking that I could hold it the remainder of the flight I returned to the flight deck and we initiated the descent checks list.
SEA was IFR with runway 16 in use and the daisy chain of aircraft arrivals was about 30 minutes long stretching well south of Tacoma. The feeling of urgency was building as was my anxiety. ATC began slowing traffic ahead of us necessitating initiating flap extension to comply with the speed restrictions. Urgency was growing and I was kicking myself for not butting in line for the lavatory. Finally we received our approach clearance for the ILS and I thought I?d make it. ATC had slowed us once more to 150 knots advising of the traffic ahead of us was a Cherokee also on the ILS. I couldn?t believe it! No?not now I thought. With gear and flaps out and 130 knots we were tight. The Cherokee was having troubles, drifting off of the localizer and the controller was doing his best to salvage the Cherokees approach. My gut feeling amounted to more than those pesky little chilies churning in my intestines, I knew what was going to happen and it did.
XXXXXX 94 Go Around. I about crapped my pants right there and then.
With sphincter valve closed and quivering, we initiated the go around and were vectored back to the daisy chain. I?m thinking maybe I can make it to the lavatory but that was just wishful thinking. More vectors and back to the ILS and final approach. By then I was beyond help, knew I was going to lose it. But the Gods were smiling and we broke out at about 400 feet, completed the landing and I was first out the door headed for operations and the john. Funny thing?.I had held it for so long??I couldn?t go. Finally after about 20 minutes, Mr. sphincter relaxed and the dam opened. It felt sooo good!

[David Z]

Funny, I haven't heard float plane pilots complain of this, or similar problems

I landed on a lake once in need of their "facilities". Didn't realize how small that lake was until I lined up at the shore and looked at the hill on the other end of the lake.

[wjb]

I don't think you can ever claim NDH on this bird (or is it a turd?)

Fantastic post.

[slngsht]

I found this thread when I was searching for seat color. Not what I had in mind

[Taltruda]

Be on the lookout for Oregon Aero leather seats for sale from a Canadian address...

[Stitch462]

Originally Posted by xblueh2o

Call sign, Duece or Dookie.

Duece gets my vote!

[Schooner69]

I have a squadron mate - Paul - who claimed the fastest evacuation in a single seat aircraft in the world.

He was involved in a live fire exercise off the coast of Sardinia in an F-86 in the early sixties when he experienced an attack of rumbly tummy. His sudden departure from the gunnery pattern was noted and queries about his safety were met with assurances that he was OK but just had to RTB. NOW!

He contacted tower and explained that he had a bit of a problem and that he needed a priority landing. He was told that the airport and any runway was his.

He was still miles from the runway and nudging 500 knots when his sphincter muscle called it a day?

Having heard nothing for several minutes, tower inquired as to his progress. The response ?Ten miles out? elicited a further query about the emergency from the tower.

?Cancel the emergency, I?ll call the pitch? was the response.

Of course, squadron ops had been alerted and we all watched as the aircraft landed and taxied back to the squadron area where it was parked. And all watched as the pilot slowly heaved himself out of the cockpit, gingerly lowered himself to the ground, and then snowshoe walked to the outdoor facility?

I can?t remember if he was allowed to make up the mission or not. (;>0)

[OkieDave]

Originally Posted by slngsht

I found this thread when I was searching for seat color. Not what I had in mind

A bit of a necro-post, but your username suggested a new callsign when I read it and mentally inserted the wrong vowel in the second syllable!