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  #1  
Old 10-11-2013, 11:37 PM
Darren S Darren S is offline
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 443
Default A true inflight emergency - a tale of true horror!

Gentlemen, I feel compelled to share my latest inflight emergency. Why? For no reason other than to make a few of you laugh. Is there a lesson to be learnt? Not really, but maybe? Read on.

Over the years I?ve had my share of inflight emergencies ie. Jammed controls, near misses, stuck on top of clouds while low on fuel etc?.. but tonights emergency is in a category all it?s own!

It?s October here in Southern Alberta, the trees are changing color and the days are getting shorter. I had about two hours to kill before picking the kids up from their activities so my plan was to go for a quick buzz, check out the lovely scenery at the base of the mountains and get in my flying fix.

The RV was already gassed up, preflight done, winds were calm and the field was deserted. The sun was setting and it was setting up to be a lovely evening in the skies. If the hot air balloons are out then you know the air is sweet!

I blasted off runway 16 and enjoyed the sights as the sun was getting low on the horizon. Prior to takeoff I felt my guts churning a bit but thought nothing of it. I felt fine and it was only going to be a quick 45 minute flight anyways.

10 minutes in I decided to do some touch and goes at a nearby strip. Enroute I felt my guts churning again but again dismissed the thought as I figured all would be ok.

The first touch and go was fine but upon climbing out of the field the gastrointestinal issue started to intensify. Suddenly there was no putting this issue off!

I turned on crosswind and my immediate thought was to finish the circuit, land and bust a move to the bathroom in the FBO. As I turned from downwind to base I remembered something but wasn?t sure. ?Does this airport have an FBO with an after hours entry code on the door?? Many airports do but I did my flight training out of this airport and don?t remember ever seeing one.

I was still optimistic that I could ?hold it? long enough, land and check out the scene but I was wrong!

On final it became very apparent that a pilot, at least this one, can?t squeeze his sphincter together, operate rudder pedals and get toes on the brakes. Nigh unto the impossible. If I landed this wasn?t going to end well!! I wasn?t fully convinced that I could maintain directional control, especially with a taildragger.

On short final I decided to abort the landing and fly as fast as I could back to home base.

I climbed out again, left all the knobs in and started to barrel home. At 173 knots it was still going to take 9 minutes. NO WAY was I going to make it! NO WAY!! Again I thought about maintaining control when I landed. I weighed my options?.Wreck my plane or wreck my pants and my pride and my dignity!

Years ago, when I was younger and much better looking, I was on a motorcycle trip in the Canadian Rockies with my brothers. We were stuck in some serious rain and freezing. I decided to pee myself in an attempt to warm myself up. It worked momentarily but in short order I was freezing again. That was probably 20 years ago and was the last time, I can recall, that I let loose in my pants?.so to speak. 20 years is a long time?what the heck?time to start a new streak!

I cringed at the thought but I had NO CHOICE! I had to let loose that demon inside. It was every bit as foul and nasty as you are imagining. The pungent odor filled the cockpit. I opened the vents. I was ever so thankful I didn?t have a passenger.

How graphic do you want me to get? Suffice to say, I braced my feet against the rudder pedals and against the back rest in a fashion that I was able to easy my hind quarters off the seat. You RV pilots know exactly what I?m talking about.

The bowel let down kept coming. Gross and disgusting only scratch the surface of what I was dealing with. I do remember thinking that I?m awfully thankful for Oregon Aero LEATHER seats!

My next thought was kind of a prayer. It went like this. ?Dear Lord, please let there be NO ONE at the field?, I don?t know how I?d ever escape the invariable hanger flying.

9 minutes seemed like an eternity and I wasn?t going to prolong this agony. I assumed the winds were as light as when I took off and decided to land straight in, albeit downwind. It?s my home field and the comfort level is high.
I wouldn?t call it a greaser but a greaser considering I was sitting on a 3 inch turd!

I taxied to the hanger and thankfully there were no other diehard flyers out.
I extricated myself out of the plane to survey the damage. The seat was ok and it appeared, at least at first glance, that my jeans contained most, if not all of the toxins.

Now what??

Thankfully I had a pair of coveralls in my hanger otherwise I would have been driving home naked. I shimmied over to hanger, locked myself inside and stripped down. I?ll spare you the details but 6 shop towels later, a bucket of dirty water from my last airplane washing and a pair of gloves are what it took to clean up?.somewhat. The clothes are absolute garbage as I ain?t touching them things!

So is there a lesson to be learned? Yea, if you?re lactose intolerant?..don?t eat Mexican and finish your kids Kraft dinner before you go flying
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  #2  
Old 10-11-2013, 11:46 PM
Bud K's Avatar
Bud K Bud K is offline
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Shell Knob, MO
Posts: 144
Default ****!

LOL. I almost crapped myself laughing at your situation.

A friend of mine told me a similar story when he was flying a Corsair in formation after a night of heavy drinking (as teenagers in WWII were prone to do). He had to wave off his buddies so that he could throw out his **** filled glove. Twice.
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  #3  
Old 10-12-2013, 12:01 AM
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txaviator txaviator is offline
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Arlington, TX (DFW)
Posts: 1,177
Default

OMG. I've been on this forum for a LONG time, and without a doubt, that's the most hilarious thing I've ever read! Been there and done that, albeit not in my plane.

Also takes some coconuts to share that literary greatness.
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Cresson (50F), TX

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  #4  
Old 10-12-2013, 12:07 AM
Eddie P's Avatar
Eddie P Eddie P is offline
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Aptos, CA (previously Reno, 21 years!)
Posts: 251
Default

Holy Pooh!!

I've flown a lot of passenger carrying airplanes without a lav back in my younger years... we are talking commercial airplanes with paying passengers. Always a horrific thought to entertain for a pilot wondering what would happen if the need presented itself at an inopportune time...

One day, carrying a full flight of mainland Chinese passengers in a full CE-402 (no co pilot, no flight attendant), I noticed an in-flight a frenzy of Mandarin speaking going on. Could not understand them but quickly noted some really rancid smells. A heavy blast of fresh air vent alleviated the issue (for me) and I assumed there were the usual elements of sick sack action happening in the rough desert air. After landing it was soon noticed there was an orphan blanket in the aft cargo area behind the last row of seats. Yup. It was in there. An easy clean up but when you gotta go... apparently, you gotta go!

Last edited by Eddie P : 10-12-2013 at 12:15 AM.
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  #5  
Old 10-12-2013, 12:39 AM
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KRviator KRviator is offline
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Sydney, Aust.
Posts: 849
Default

I've been so sick flying solo in the KR2 that when I puked I nearly filled up one of my shoes. I learnt from that and now carry spew-bags in my flight bag.

Shall we take bets as to whether DR makes this a front-page article?
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  #6  
Old 10-12-2013, 12:56 AM
hohocc hohocc is offline
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Christchurch, New Zealand
Posts: 187
Default

I'm going to remember this post next time I'm told to go number 2 in the circuit...
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  #7  
Old 10-12-2013, 01:03 AM
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rv7boy rv7boy is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Austinville, Alabama
Posts: 2,494
Default Things you should know about a tummy ache

Here you go: Try this link.
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Last edited by rv7boy : 10-12-2013 at 01:05 AM.
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  #8  
Old 10-12-2013, 01:18 AM
Wayne Gillispie Wayne Gillispie is offline
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 1,499
Default

Try flying inverted next time.
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  #9  
Old 10-12-2013, 01:29 AM
RVJeff RVJeff is offline
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Pompano Beach, FL
Posts: 29
Default What a story..

Been on the VAF forum for a good number of years while I was building my RV-8 and even since its been flying since 2008. This has to take the cake for the craziest story I have ever read on here. And the first thing that comes to my mind is proper radio procedures and vernacular. I am guessing the author is referring to what the trucker world would call a "10-200" vs. a 10-100.

Nicely played I must say. I would have gone for the first field where he was doing touch and goes, full stop, mixture to cutoff if I had the energy, and dirtied up a runway light, but I wasn't there. Anyhow, all is well that ends well. No bent metal, paperwork, or fiberglass to patch. Just some new blue jeans to purchase.
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  #10  
Old 10-12-2013, 02:56 AM
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az_gila az_gila is offline
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: 57AZ - NW Tucson area
Posts: 10,011
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by KRviator View Post
I've been so sick flying solo in the KR2 that when I puked I nearly filled up one of my shoes. I learnt from that and now carry spew-bags in my flight bag.
...
Pack along some one gallon Ziploc bags - they can also be used for the #1 function while flying as well as barfing...
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