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Marriage and the RV Builder

I don't think you fully grasp the concept. A year can be a long time...

Been there. Done it. First marriage lasted two years. First year was easy but still wouldn't be given advice based on it. You just don't know what you don't know at that point. Divorce stinks.

Kind of like parents of toddlers giving parenting advice.

Divorce stinks but it can be a great teacher.

My wife is a #2 but I'm completely mindful -- and have been for some time -- about the need to tend a marriage carefully and not let the airplane project become "the other woman."

38 years and counting.
 
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"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience."

Well, I hoped and got my wish with an awesome second wife. Bob, I fondly remember the EAA Radio interview you did with me and my then bride to be at Sloshkosh before our nuptials in the N40 the next day over 10 years ago. We are still together and happily married but as far as building goes....well that certainly changed. While dating she was fully supportive, flew with me all the time, and helped quite a bit on my first build (I have pictures to prove it). There must have been something impregnated into the wedding cake because it wasn't long after that she lost all interest in aviation. I think she even forgot the directions to the airport. Fortunately she supports my addiction....a second then third build and buying and working an aviation business. I think it's safe to say at this point that building for me will not lead to a divorce. Her pleasure is seeing me happy just like mine is seeing her happy.
 
My wife has been with me through eight RV builds over the last twenty-three years. Aside from the other sage advice in this thread, this is a bit more.

Six months before I begin another project I go to her and ask for "The List". It's a list of every project she wants done around the house before I drive the first rivet. Because when I begin an RV, there are no long term projects to be tackled. If it breaks, I will fix it. Beyond that it's all RV.

Seems to work pretty well. She's still putting up with me. She deserves a prize.
 
I have to say that my wife of 45 years has had to put up with me building three RV's. The first one (RV-6A) only took two years of all the spare time I could manage after an 8 Hr work day. The second one (RV-6A) took another 4 years, and the last (RV-7A) took 6 years. All were built while I worked a 40 Hr work week. All were built in a two car garage. The biggest factor was that she wanted access to one car bay during the winter months! But she put up with me all those years, and is still flying with me now that we're both retired (and living in Florida)....
 
need to tend a marriage carefully and not let the airplane project become "the other woman."

Bob, one of my close friends married after he started building his airplane (non-RV). His wife refers to his airplane as "Jolene" - the other woman in his life.

I can't comment on which category best suits her, but we did notice a decided slowing of progress after he married.
 
My first wife once said, "I wish you had a girl friend. I can compete with another woman, but I can't compete with an airplane!" This was NOT the cause of divorce.

My second wife has co-built many airplanes with me, has her Private Pilot certificate, has held several offices in local EAA Chapter (including President), and has been requested to become an EAA Technical Counselor.

She's a KEEPER! (43 years next week)
 
If this is too off topic please delete moderators.

For people with wives in #2 category. Since you don't both share the same hobby... do you spend the same money on her hobbies as you do on flying? My wife is #2 category and I know I can't afford flying and paying for an equally expensive hobby for her. So, flying is on hold for now even though she is supportive but not exactly excited about that much money being spent only on me. I agree with her on this as I feel guilty spending thousands flying and not spending an equal amount on whatever she wants.
 
For people with wives in #2 category. Since you don't both share the same hobby... do you spend the same money on her hobbies as you do on flying? My wife is #2 category and I know I can't afford flying and paying for an equally expensive hobby for her. So, flying is on hold for now even though she is supportive but not exactly excited about that much money being spent only on me. I agree with her on this as I feel guilty spending thousands flying and not spending an equal amount on whatever she wants.

Flying/traveling will be 'our hobby'. But building to get to that point is 'my thing'. When a big purchase needs to happen, I include my wife on those conversations. Its ours.

While I may need to delay some purchases and take extra time to maintain her wants/needs - no, there is no financial room for 2 of these things (1 is an incredible investment to begin with). With small kids, my wife is primary stay at home - so we aren't a 2 career income household. That factors.

Everybody handles finances differently. If you are a combined finance household yet are emotionally trying to separate them to make sure the spending score is even, you're likely headed for trouble. Some households can do the separate finance thing - but that dives deep beyond the 'what does the spouse think of the airplane in the garage' conversation.
 
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iwannarv....I understand what you are saying. We've been married 21yrs partly because we try to make sure things are fair for both of us. We don't keep count but in general try to balance who spends what on themselves. I have plenty of knowledge of marriages where things are one sided and the partner that takes the back seat eventually gets bitter and things unravel. I am trying to learn from these examples and hope to not go down that path.
 
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My wife (married 13 years as of October) is generally in category 2. I don’t think she was exactly thrilled about me starting my build when I did—I’d told her, on our very first date, that I’d been helping my dad build an airplane and I’d be building one someday, too; I just don’t think she expected me to start until we were closer to 40 or something—but she was warned ;).

The past few years we’ve had a few big changes—adopting a baby, her surgeries and recovery—and all of that really changed the amount of working time I had. Now, balancing all of that with build time seems to be the biggest challenge. It’s helped that our son is now old enough that he can come out and hang around in the shop a bit (even if all he’s doing is pounding nails into 2x4 scraps or cutting paper up into confetti) and my wife is not only fully recovered from her surgeries and complications, but she’s now in grad school working towards her lifelong dream of going into ministry. It’s her “big-ticket” item to balance the airplane, both in time and money, so it seems a little more fair now :)

It did take a couple of hard conversations and a lot of adjustment to get there, though. It turns out that some of my favorite, preferred times to go work were the times she most wanted to be able to talk to me and have adult-level conversation; I found other times to work. She wants to go in to ministry, a job she would basically do for free, and views the work as the point in itself. I work in aviation and actually mostly enjoy my job (as much as you can enjoy a job, anyway), so she’s always figured it was mostly the same for me and therefore going to work counted on mostly the same level as building and flying. As it turn out, to me it’s just a job; that I work in this field is a happy coincidence that makes it more bearable and perhaps a little better at my job, but it’s still just a job. I work so I can support my family and so we can afford to do the things we want to do, like build an airplane or go to grad school. Our working styles are different—she likes to work in short 20-30 minute bursts and change tasks often; I’d prefer to work in one long contiguous session. Much friction was generated over school and airplane work until we both understood why we were working that way and how best to accommodate that.

Financially it hasn’t been as much of a challenge; first up, I promised her I would pay cash and not go into debt for the project. Our family is provided-for, she’s going to grad school, we’re living within our means. She was a little shocked at the recent expenditures (I’m in the “high cash outflow” stage now, between avionics and engine), but I showed her that the long-term average operating costs would actually be lower than the current “saving/spending to get it done” phase and I think that eased her concern.

That said, she’s not entirely indifferent to the project. She’s been my primary assistant when I’ve needed a second person to rivet and she has enough technical understanding that I can run things past her (like avionics choices) for an outside opinion. But mainly, she’s more interested in the finished product. One other condition for the build was that I use it “to do good things” when I’m done, and it’s my intent to hook up with groups like Operation Airdrop and PnP. Traveling is something she’s really looking forward to; for years now we’ve been planning a weeks-long trip to the west coast and one of these days we’ll actually do it. And most interestingly, she’s expressed a desire for getting some instruction. She’ll never qualify for a medical certificate, but she does want to take at least some “pinch hitter” instruction and perhaps a little more beyond that, so we can share the load on trips.



Basically, I think the biggest thing (and I think it applies to everything in a marriage) is a willingness and ability to communicate. And that means actually listening, not just talking.

And that communication might mean a willingness to learn about, participate in, and/or at least become somewhat conversant in, your spouse’s interests. Don’t expect your spouse to support (much less participate) if you’re dismissive or blow off their interests with “yeah, whatever honey”.




From another perspective (if we consider “family” instead of just “marriage”, for whatever a kid’s perspective is worth on the subject), Mom is basically in category #2 as well. She helped rivet long ago, helps with maintenance sometimes, and sometimes goes on trips, but mostly the airplane (and the motorcycle, and the boat) are her way of getting Dad out of the house for a while, especially now that he’s retired. The social aspect is what’s really brought her in—there’s a very active RV community at their airport, and my parents have made several close friends among the group.

During the build—and with the caveat that I was both the oldest of my siblings, and by far the most interested in the project—I never felt that Dad was neglecting us. Yeah, the tedious stuff like endless deburring is a lot harder to bear when you’re 15 (though being paid to do it while Dad was on a trip took a lot of the sting out), but I mostly enjoyed working on it and it sure paid dividends later, when I got a co-op job in college. But as I recall, Dad still always found time to take care of projects around the house, go on trips with Mom or with all of us together.

For people with wives in #2 category. Since you don't both share the same hobby... do you spend the same money on her hobbies as you do on flying?
Money may be a factor for some... but time might be just as big an issue (or bigger) than the money aspect. Maybe time with you is more important to your spouse than the money spent on hobbies—at least, that’s the case in our relationship. Everyone’s relationship will be different.
 
Currently my wife is in school and will be back working in about a year. So I quit flying the expensive stuff and putter around with my paramotor. Paying for school combined with the loss of her income would have made the finances a little tighter than we prefer if I had kept flying GA. Once she gets working she has given me a direct order to buy a plane (my lifelong dream) and I promised her at least one exotic vacation (together:D) a year as that is what she enjoys. Other than the cost of the plane which is mostly recoverable when its sold, both desires cost about the same on a yearly basis. I get the better end of the deal because I get to go on the vacation too:cool:. She is not too concerned about it but does occasionally point out couples where the entire lifestyle is geared only for one person and the other is along for the ride. I bet that’s what causes couples to end up in scenario #3 in the original post of this thread.
 
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