Vern
Well Known Member
a. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
> snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
> smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
> room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you
> were drying.
>
> b. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
> them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of
> light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned
> guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
>"Ouch...."
>
> c. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
> rivets in their holes until you die of old age
>
> d. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>
> e. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
> Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a
> crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt
> to influence its course, the more dismal your future
> becomes.
>
> f. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else
> is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
> welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> g. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for
> lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
> Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub
> you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
>
> h. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
> British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
> impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been
> searching for the last 15 minutes.
>
> i. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an airplane
> to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake
> pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the cowling.
>
> j. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering
> an airplane upward off a hydraulic jack.
>
> k. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
> l. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has
> another hydraulic floor jack.
>
> m. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
> sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for
> getting dog-do off your boot.
>
> n. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that
> snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any
> known drill bit.
>
> o. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for
> testing the tensile strength of ground straps and fuel lines
> you may have forgotten to disconnect.
>
> p.CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large
> motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an
> accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
> the handle.
>
> q.AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> r. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth.
> Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin
> D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found
> under airplanes at night. Health benefits aside, it's main
> purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the
> same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
> during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
> More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
> misleading.
>
> s.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of
> old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your
> shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off
> Phillips screw heads.
>
> t.AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced
> in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
> transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a
> Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
> last tightened 40 years ago by someone at Lycoming, and
> rounds them off.
>
> u.PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
> that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
> replace a 50 cent part.
>
> v.HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too
> short.
>
> w.HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
> hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
> locate expensive parts not far from the object we are
> trying to hit.
>
> x.MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
> contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front
> door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats
> and leather flight jackets.
> snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
> smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
> room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you
> were drying.
>
> b. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
> them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of
> light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned
> guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
>"Ouch...."
>
> c. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
> rivets in their holes until you die of old age
>
> d. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>
> e. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
> Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a
> crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt
> to influence its course, the more dismal your future
> becomes.
>
> f. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else
> is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
> welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> g. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for
> lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
> Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub
> you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
>
> h. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
> British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
> impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been
> searching for the last 15 minutes.
>
> i. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an airplane
> to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake
> pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the cowling.
>
> j. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering
> an airplane upward off a hydraulic jack.
>
> k. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
> l. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has
> another hydraulic floor jack.
>
> m. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
> sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for
> getting dog-do off your boot.
>
> n. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that
> snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any
> known drill bit.
>
> o. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for
> testing the tensile strength of ground straps and fuel lines
> you may have forgotten to disconnect.
>
> p.CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large
> motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an
> accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
> the handle.
>
> q.AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> r. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth.
> Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin
> D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found
> under airplanes at night. Health benefits aside, it's main
> purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the
> same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
> during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
> More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
> misleading.
>
> s.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of
> old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your
> shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off
> Phillips screw heads.
>
> t.AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced
> in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
> transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a
> Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
> last tightened 40 years ago by someone at Lycoming, and
> rounds them off.
>
> u.PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
> that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
> replace a 50 cent part.
>
> v.HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too
> short.
>
> w.HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
> hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
> locate expensive parts not far from the object we are
> trying to hit.
>
> x.MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
> contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front
> door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats
> and leather flight jackets.
